Confidence is beautiful.

Inspired by a few of my closest friends, a number of not-to-be-named blonde celebutante media whores, and none other than the internal struggle every self-conscious (read: insecure) human being faces almost daily, I will try to conquer with but a few paragraphs the constant struggle of self-confidence. Where does one find it? Is it easy to obtain? What makes it easy to spot in some people and harder to find in others? 

More and more, despite this never-ending thing called time (it just never stops!), I find that the cycle of high school rears its ugly head so often that I must force myself to step back, take a deep breath, and remind myself that I am no longer in 5th period lunch, surrounded by cliques of the in-crowd, the not so in-crowd, and the majority group of any high school: the apathetic. Consequently, nostalgia takes over, and I'm reminded of a time when I was in no means secure of myself, seldom took risks because the idea simply frightened me, and looked to those around me to sway my decisions one way or the other, if only to affirm that I not make a fool of myself and be the laughingstock of 2300 peers. Fortunately, I found a way out of that mentality by Junior year (maybe even that is a stretch), but interestingly enough, once you implore a certain way of thinking during such formative years, it never completely vanishes.

Beginning in college, I began to hear comments that scared the shit out of me. Essentially, people started to call me "confident," believing I (formerly one of two Asian girls in a class of 600 who was chosen by her classmates so early on as the "smart one" that she became even self-conscious about her own intelligence, amongst a plethora of other insecurities) had an aura of security blanketing my sweet melon of a head. The conversation would go something like the following:

Crazy person: "Geia, I just wish I could be like you."

Me: "Why on Earth would you want that?!"

Crazy person: "I just feel like you're very confident, and nothing stops you from going after what you want."

Me: something to the extent of "You're crazy."

Insanity. Moreover, this crazy person was not alone. There were plenty of them! On the one hand... 1. Flip hair, 2. Giggle to self. 3. Simultaneously shrug, smile, and say, "Thanks." (Right??) On the other hand, omgosh! I actually fooled them! Somewhere in the midst of my journey through the weary desert of insecurity lay a happy mirage of confidence to which my eyes were blind, but others could identify perfectly well.

I became obsessed with self-awareness. Good, bad, pretty, ugly, I absorbed it all. My ninth life was almost up when finally, one fateful afternoon, my curiosity was satisfied. The realization was no strike of lightning, nor was it a "Eureka!" moment of any sort. I suppose I knew it all along, simply because of my implacable thirst for self-knowledge, a need that I believe all normal individuals must have as well. {If not, forget I ever posted this blog.} My self-awareness became my self-confidence. The secret is not about finding things that make you feel better about yourself; it is about accepting yourself, stripped of what society claims are agreeable traits one should strive for, and being okay with it anyway. Perfection doesn't exist, but I do. And dammitalltohell if I don't live up the life with which I've been blessed.

I can't very well sit here and claim no insecurities. Everyone must battle their own demons, and the past has scarred me more than I would like. But, with all due respect, to any and everyone who cares enough to read my stream of consciousness, is it really all worth it? Does beating oneself up with thoughts of unworthiness make anyone feel better? Does wallowing in self-pity bring about any change? Does the thought of everyone else pitying you make you feel warm and giddy inside? ...I didn't think so. 

Essentially, my awareness and acceptance of all my faults have allowed me to become more open to imperfection. At the end of the day, I know my faults, my strengths, weaknesses, and I know that I am doing my best to turn those weaknesses around. We are the judge of our own happiness; deny the very idea of "imperfect" and you deny the most vital factor of self-contentment.

Today, despite the evil reminders of high school and a time when I was plagued with self-doubt and uncertainty, I stand proudly on my oasis, no longer a mirage. With Heidi Montag (post-surgery) at my side... haha. just kidding.