Decisions

“Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves.”

Not too long ago, I made a life-altering decision. Maybe I was bored. Maybe feeling complacent? Maybe, and most plausibly, it was a decision that I had been subconsciously contemplating for years, but never had the courage to fully execute.

I was on my fifth episode of Law & Order: SVU. (Sidenote- those weekend marathons are debatably the best thing since sliced bread.) I was reeling off a two-week leave from work due to the holidays and a snowstorm that left me stranded at home for three days. Stranded may be a strong word; to be perfectly honest, the storm provided me three days of glorious bed rest, incessant eating, and as aforementioned, addictive TV-watching. If you know anything about me, you'll know it may have been years since an event such as this has occurred. I am usually the girl with one too many plans for the weekend, sacrificing sleep to get the most out of my "downtime." I have a tendency to never say no for fear of boredom or worse, FOMO. (It is so real.)

I have to admit that much of the reason for this incessantly busy schedule is of my own choosing. I make a conscious decision to keep myself preoccupied in order to prevent self-reflection. In so doing, I run from place to place making appointments with old friends, new friends, prospective soul mates (note – still accepting applications) to keep my mind off the rather depressing notion that there is something lacking. I have been this way for years, and I know of no other way to live.

                 

Fast forward to my SVU-ridden time in bed, during which I finally took a step back to re-evaluate my feelings on this journey called life… A straight-A student, I was the captain and president of every club imaginable in high school, which led me to the college of my dreams. I graduated with a safe Economics bachelor degree that would remain somewhat pertinent in my chosen industry of choice – Advertising. In the past five years, I have achieved success in my career, rubbed elbows (quite literally.. sorry Matthew McConaughey) with A-list talent whilst eating in the best restaurants and drinking sommeliers’ recommended wine-pairings in the greatest city in the world. I have been flown across the country to attend award shows, received VIP tickets to sports events, concerts, Broadway plays… the whole shebang. So how, in a world defined by conspicuous consumption, and while working in an industry that flaunts such opportunities, could I ever want for more?

The result of this self-reflection was not a pivotal change in perspective. I knew all along I had every intention of venturing outside of my comfort zone, making a few mistakes here and there with the hopes of creating myself. After living and playing in New York City for ten years, I have come across the go-getters, the talented, the future 10pm News scandal players. As glamorous as that all sounds and as much as I respect those who are intent on putting their careers first in life (as I did for the past five years), I desire to find purpose, follow passions, and make a difference any which way I can. And if not now, then when?

So… I am setting out to make a change. I AM GOING TO AFRICA!!! I will be volunteering in Arusha, Tanzania for five months starting May 1st, where I will teach all primary school subjects in the local community. Most importantly, I will be initiating a music program for the kids.  (Time to break out that dusty sheet music!) They say volunteering is a mutually parasitic experience. The volunteer changes the lives of those he/she touches and vice versa. My purpose is to help the community as best I can, with my life experiences, education, or just a lending hand. As blessed as I was growing up, I am excited to give back to those who were not given the same opportunities. Equally important, I aim to keep my mind and heart open to learn as much as I can during my stay there and to hopefully grow for the better.

Without a doubt, this is the scariest thing I have ever done in my life,... but I have never been more ready.